“Out of the Unreal Shadows of the Night…

“… comes back the real life that we had known”
-Oscar Wilde 

Last night my father called to tell me about a dream he had…

I was how I am now, only more child-like… I was in a white dress and veil, about to get my first communion. Behind the veil, I wore my famous “buck-face”, the face I pull when I really don’t want to do something (I’m stubborn)… It made my father sad… seeing me willingly walk down an aisle of a church, I did not want to walk down… He called to see if everything was okay…

Curious that while my father was dreaming 11 hours ahead in Sri Lanka, I was finishing up the last of the medical exams, required for volunteering in the Peace Corps.

Having had blood drawn multiple times because my doctor ordered the wrong tests, and failed to see in my medical records that I had already been vaccinated with the BCG vaccine for tuberculosis… When I tested positive (which always happens with the BCG), my doctor couldn’t have been more excited to put me on the intensive  nine month antibiotic “treatment”, which is as serious and toxic as chemotherapy.

Knowing that I don’t have TB, I ordered a chest x-ray to be done. Even with the chest x-ray confirming my good health, my doctor still wanted to put me on the intensive nine month “treatment”! Reminding her of my BCG, I got yelled at and informed that I never should have had the test done in the first place, it’s dangerous to those already vaccinated. (Amazing).

I was then lectured for having stopped taking my thyroid medication (even though after 3 years my TSH levels are normal)… In my book, taking medication for a problem one doesn’t have, is a problem

Together with not having health insurance, and the overdose of diamox I was given for  Peru, I am convinced that because I’m not paying into this privatized healthcare system, my doctors are trying to kill me.

Yesterday’s visit to the OBGYN at Planned Parenthood, was the cherry on top of what’s turned into the most invasive, humiliating application process I have ever been through.

Thinking of my fathers dream, and laughing to myself in remembering how at the age of seven, due to my “lack of  devotion to God”, I was rejected by our church and refused my first communion… Now fully seeing the extent to which our current government is in support of, and influenced by billion dollar industries and institutions that are doing more harm than good, I can’t help but look at the Peace Corps with skepticism.

Please don’t get me wrong, the Peace Corps has done marvelous things all over the world. But at the same time, we only know about 5% of what’s really happening… Being awake and seeing the government in a new light, I can’t help but observe that they would fund and use a well-intentioned mission, to get away with operations of the exact opposite in nature…

Broke, unemployed, desperately wanting to help others yet starting to feel like I’m falling into the arms of an illusion…When my father dreamed of me walking down an aisle of an establishment I did not want to walk down, I think he was right…

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” 
~Harriet Tubman~

8 thoughts on ““Out of the Unreal Shadows of the Night…

  1. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for sharing your thoughts, I feel these are all things that one doesn’t want to think about or consider thinking about till one is in the situation themselves…But when one sees things for what they really are underneath the surface, we’re confronted with the incredible gift of choice… I’m really all about love so I promise my next post won’t be so sad 😉

  2. Wherever you are, and wherever you wind up, you are a light in this world. Whether in the Peace Corps, or working some random job, or doing absolutely nothing… your awareness makes a difference, your love and compassion is healing this world.


  3. I am totally sceptical of Doctors (and my brother & his wife are doctors!), Health Care systems of any sort and think that most governments of the world are so out of touch with reality that it makes my mind boggle! I also have BIG issues with some so-called charity groups.
    Stay strong & stick to what you believe in. I think that the structure of society is for bending to get the best from it and I won’t be told to conform, just because that is easier for others to comprehend. Maybe you get the opportunity to bend a few norms yourself and make a real difference in the Peace Corps.
    Good luck with everything you do 🙂

    1. I don’t trust US doctors, healthcare systems or “non-profit”/”charity” groups myself, having worked in one for almost 2 years, I was paid so little I could only afford one meal a day, but I did it because we were “helping” children… when I learned that all the profits of the agency were going straight into the CEO’s pocket, that was the deal breaker for me… I am not one to conform (never have, never will), so we’ll see how this plays out 😉 Thank you for sharing your perspective and warm wishes!

  4. I think you point to a lot of dissonances in the current society. Private healthcare system I have never understood. Why should anyone make money out of other people’s sickness? How can one even trust that those in the industry are not doing whatever they are doing for monetary reasons? And yes, foreign aid, what isn’t hidden under that humanitarian shield? Not that we should stop foreign aid, but we need to be a lot more critical about its motivations. I certainly do understand why you don’t want to walk down that aisle. But hopefully some of the inspiration you so gracefully have giving us, will come back to you and bring back motivation and the dreams.

    1. Otto, I have the same questions and concerns as you, and I am affraid that the answers are as unpleasant as the questions… the US system views everyone and everything as profit (ONLY for a select few), everything is an “industry”… What’s hidden behind the humanitarian shield you eloquently described is disturbing beyond belief, and it’s all covered up! It is an awful feeling realizing what surrounds you when you wake up in the middle of such a web, and I can’t thank you enough for your kind words, encouragement, and inspiration 🙂

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